Field Guide to Public High School Teachers

Teachers are like snowflakes...Snowflakes that bitch A LOT.  Anyway, I have compiled some lists for anyone interested in categorizing the many types of teachers that are out there.  Enjoy!

 

1.  The Old Alligator:  Advanced age professional that is essentially a fixture in his or her school.  These teachers cannot be convinced that anything new is worthwhile, and are often heard saying things like "I've seen it all" or "This school is going to shit".   Their primary characteristic is durability since they have beaten the odds and made it past 5 years of teaching. Can often be found calculating days to retirement.  Alcohol consumption:  High

2.  The Martyr:  Did you ever see "Lean on Me" or "The Freedom Writers"?   The Martyr internalizes every sad story he or she hears and often blurs the boundaries between teacher and student.   Need some lunch money?  A ride home?  A place to live?  The Martyr is your best bet.  Martyrs tend to lead only nonpaying after school activities, since they can then use it to fuel their sense of moral superiority.   Ironically, these are the teachers most likely to complain about teacher salaries.  Alcohol consumption:  Low

3.  The Idealist:  Usually this is a recent college graduate with a relatively impressive resume.  The Idealist truly wants to believe in the system, and therefore will not take part in faculty lounge bitch sessions.  They take their jobs very seriously and work hard.  Needless to say, they typically do not last very long.  If they do manage to endure for more than a few years, they will often transform into Martyrs.  I know only one Idealist older than 30.                                  Alcohol consumption:  Directly proportional to number of years served and dreams shattered.   

  

4.  The Artful Dodger:  This category applies to teachers that neither practice solid methods, nor work very hard.  Simply put, they rely solely on their own charming personalities in any situation.  NEVER rely on an Artful Dodger for a favor, like a recommendation.  These teachers tend to be coaches, and are generally adored by students if for no other reason than because they show a lot of movies in class.  Alcohol consumption:  High

6.  The Race Hustler:  This teacher's talent is unique.  Any issue,  such as a problem with a student, a parent, a test grade, or even another teacher can be explained by the inherent racism in your school.  Kids not getting a concept?  Its because you're racist.  Having problems with discipline?  You are a racist.   Note:  under NO circumstances should you ever try to have a rational conversation regarding the Achievement Gap with a Race Hustler.  You're a racist pig for even thinking you could understand.  Alcohol consumption:  Low to moderate 

7.  The State Employee:  Essentially, the worst teacher ever.  This person decided to become a teacher due to a complete inability to be hired anywhere else.   The State Employee turns to the Noblest Profession because teachers are not very well monitored, and all teachers are payed off of the same scale regardless of ability.  They usually don't bother with lesson plans, and are constantly enraging students with their lack of organization or professionalism.  Try to help a State Employee and you'll find they believe they are doing everything perfectly.  State Employees LOVE tenure.  Alcohol consumption:  lowest  

8.  The Professional:  By far the rarest of all teachers.  This person arrives at work on time everyday, takes pride in his or her classroom and lesson plans, seeks to improve professionally and is always collegial.  While The Professional sincerely wants to help young people, he or she will never sacrifice personal boundaries or be taken advantage of.  Professionals tend to come from the business world where people are generally held accountable for their actions.  Alcohol consumption:  Moderate to high